Delirious
by Dyslexic Angel
Summary: The thing that scares me the most is losing him... a glint of purple... candlelight lent false gold to his skin ... Is something any less beautiful for being created? ... I'm dreaming again. AthrunxKira, shonen ai.
1. Chapter 1

Delirious

It was funny, I reflected, that after fighting in a war and cheating death more times than I care to count, what really scares me is losing him. I didn't, this time... Kira had dove out of the way of the out-of-control air car with carefully designed reflexed honed by combat. It was after he hit the ground that things really went bad... I shuddered, and pushed the thoughts away.

It wasn't long before I reached the apartment I share with Kira. After the war, we had both opted to attend college on earth, and it was only logical that we be roommates. I parked the air-car and went around to the back seat. Kira was fast asleep, limp against the safety belt. Hardly surprising; it would take even a coordinator's body a long time to purge that much sedative. Well, it was dark out and no one was around. I slid him out of the car and picked him up, bridal style. Even now he was too light, stress and lack of sleep leaving him very thin.

I managed to get the door open and walked into the small living room. The lights were off, and I didn't bother to find the switch; orange light streamed in the one window from the old-fashioned sodium vapor lamps that served as streetlights in this part of town.

I carried Kira into the tiny bedroom and lay him down on his bed, one of two twin mattresses taking up most of the available floor space. A box of matches and a scented candle lay on a low table by one wall; archaic indeed, but both Kira and I like the gentle light and warm smell of vanilla. I lit the thick candle, then moved back to him.

I sat down cross legged on the floor by Kira's bed; I was too wound up to be sleepy, and I felt like standing guard. His skin had picked up traces of false gold from the candlelight, but he was still a little too pale under that. His dark lashes stood out starkly against his skin, almost, but not quite, hiding the bruise-like shadows underneath. Even asleep he looked strained, as though his dreams were unpleasant. I brushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear, wishing I knew what to do to help him.

His eyelids fluttered at my touch, revealing a glint of purple for just a split second. As soon as I saw it it was gone, as Kira slipped into deeper sleep. I knew some people scorned Kira's eyes, claiming that they were only a genetic modification. I'd heard the same thing said about Lacus's voice, but I didn't understand the problem. Is something any less beautiful for not being random chance? Is something created somehow less lovely than something natural? I just didn't think that rarity was really a part of beauty.

I must have drifted off there, because when I woke, my head was pillowed on a warm leg, and a hand was stroking my hair. I sat up quickly, and came nose-to-nose with Kira. His expression was dreamy, and his eyes were veiled with a thick, drug-induced haze. I didn't think he was particularly aware; his next words confirmed that.

"I'm dreaming again." He said. "This is a good one, because I can touch you. Normally when I try, my hand goes right through." I didn't answer, not sure how to respond, barely breathing. Kira continued to speak as though he didn't notice, and indeed, he might not have.

"I've dreamt this so many times, and said this so many times, I can recite it in my sleep." He gave an odd giggle. "literally. But I'm tired of telling you, Athr'n."

Originally a one-shot, now this is going to be broken up into a two-shot even though it makes both pieces very short. I haven't seen all that much Gundam Seed, so any errors on my part shall have to be forgiven, and if no one reviews, the second half may never show up. Thank you for reading, and don't forget to review. Even flames are better than nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I've dreamt this so many times, and said this so many times, I can recite it in my sleep." He gave an odd giggle. "literally. But I'm tired of telling you, Athr'n."_

The look on his face was that of someone holding himself together by the barest thread. "It only sounds stupid." his voice rose slightly, then steadied. "I have a better way." He moved even closer, until I could feel his breath.

"What?" I heard my voice rasp, without my command.

"This." He smiled, and for a moment I was dreadfully aware of the drug-haze in his eyes, of the fact he thought he was dreaming-- then he pressed his lips to mine, and my brain quit working. Kira, my best friend, was _kissing_ me. He pulled away before I had time to respond, for which I was thankfull. I truly didn't know what my response should be. I was mesmerized by those purple eyes, eyes that were slowly clearing. Glittering in the bottom of those eyes were two things. The first, I had seen before. I'd been told I was beautiful; lust was a common reaction. In _those_ eyes, though, mixed with something else that I couldn't put a name to, it meant something completely different. I wasn't sure what. I just knew that it struck resonances, deep in my—soul, if that was the word. Where my heart would be if it were physical. The feeling it called from me was complex, lust and affection and something else mixing up like a jumble of colors.

I had a name to put to it. I just didn't dare. I couldn't tell if this was real, or just a figmant born of Kira's unexpected kiss. I didn't dare be wrong in my guess. I knew how easy it was to fall—for someone you thought was in lo—liked you. But could this feeling be an illusion, or was it merely something I'd hidden from myself? Had it formed on it's own, or had Kira created it? Natural, or created? That rang a bell with something i'd been thinking earlier, but I couldn't remember what.

I looked up again, into Kira's impossible amathyst eyes. I looked hard, and I thought I knew what to do. Kira was speaking again.

"Now you're going to smack me, and leave. I know how this dream goes." his voice, i noticed, was still hoarse. Hardly suprising, considering how loud he'd been screaming. I pushed the thought away. Now was now the time, not with Kira almost cowereing, as though waiting for a blow to fall. I reached out gently to touch his cheek. He flinched, then looked at me, noncomprehension in his eyes.

"Not this time." I said. "This time, it isn't a dream." It was my turn to kiss him then, lightly, gently, ever so sweetly. His eyes fell half-shut, so only a slit of purple iris showed. I pulled away, breathing hard from even the fiant contact, and realized he was sitting half in my lap. I cradled him to me as his head drooped to my shoulder. He was clearly falling asleep.

I brushed my lips over his forehead before laying him back on the bed. "Sleep, love." I wispered, and rose smoothly to my feet. He looked like an angel in the candelight. With that as my final thought, I blew out the candle and fled to the kitchen.

AN: Go review, then come back and read this. If you have time for author's notes, you have time to review. Ok, back? There is more of this. There is threatening to be a LOT more, actually, if I can't get the rouge plot back under control.

Random facts-- I've only recently admitted to myself to being a yaoi fan, and this was actually written while I was still in denial. My muse was smirking and making little checkmarks on a piece of paper, and my list of 'things I promised never to write, really' is missing. This is actually a re-write of that story, and this one is MUCH better.

Now, you can let the story end here for you. That won't bother me (much). Or, you can wait and see where it goes from here. I wouldn't mind knowing myself, and you can figure it out with me. Either way, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I love reviews. You really ought to review. Really.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke slowly, aware of a faint scent of vanilla in the air. My head felt like it had been packed with cotton; my mouth, when I thought about it, was dry. I pushed myself up and headed for the kitchen, feeling a bit unsteady. Thinking about it, I couldn't remember why I felt so bad, or even—this one floored me—how I'd gotten home.

I left the small room I shared with Athrun, noticing only that it was dark except for the orange street-light, and that Athrun's coat was lying on the floor beside my bed. The hall was dark, but I could see the kitchen light and headed for it.

Athrun lay with his head on the table, his odd green hair fanning out around his empty cup, half-hiding his sleeping face. I wanted to brush it back behind his ears and reveal his pale skin, but an odd sense of deja vou stopped me. So did the thought of his reaction, if it woke him. What had happened, I wondered. How had I gotten home? Last I remembered was being out shopping with the man before me. I rubbed my eyes, puzzling, but all I could summon were scraps of memory—crunching metal, the faint scents of vanilla and blood and Athrun's shampoo, Athrun asleep beside me, and finally the brush of something soft against my lips. One hand rose to brush them at that memory, and I noticed with a little shock that it was marked with recent scrapes, as was my whole right arm. Pulling back the sleeve of the t-shirt I was wearing—another thing I didn't remember—revealed a deeper scrape on my shoulder. It looked like I'd fallen and rolled on something rough, maybe gravel. The area around the scab was already turning the deep purple of a bad bruise. I looked down at Athrun again. If anyone could explain, he could. I shook him gently, taking a tiny shred of comfort in the warm _solidity_ of his shoulder beneath my hand.

"wuh...Kira?" Athrun blinked sleep from his eyes and looked up at me, just as I was hit with such a strong wave of _familiarity_ that I almost reeled back a step. "Kira." He seemed to really be awake now. "How do you feel? The docs said the sedative might mess you up a bit." I blinked, slowly.

"No, I'm fine." then the full meaning of what he'd said hit me. "Wait, sedatives?" Athrun's face showed a range of expressions; surprise, relief, worry. "You don't remember?" Something almost like regret flicked across his face before he masked it with worry. Poor Athrun—he'd never been able to hide much from me. "What happened?" I knew he could read the unease in my voice—and what I dimly recognized as anger, though I wasn't sure of it's source. Athrun raised his hands in a placating gesture.

"You remember going out to lunch?" I nodded, calming slightly. "well, we were crossing the street and this truck came out of nowhere. I thought it would get you, but it swerved and you dove out of the way so it missed." At some point in the story Athrun's voice had shifted from shaky calm to the cold detachment of a mission report. I didn't mind; whatever helped him tell it. "I went over to check your status. You were breathing hard and apparently unaware of your surroundings. I attempted to ascertain your condition, but you would not allow me to touch you. A moment later you began screaming, largely unintelligibly, and continued to do so until medical staff was able to sedate you."

Athrun had a very carefully detached expression on his face, and I sat down rather quickly. I could tell from his expression—or lack thereof—how bad it must have been. "They said it was probably combat flashbacks." Athrun added. "They might go away, or they might get worse. Only time will tell." Trust Athrun to tell me the truth, however painful it was. I saw my hands begin to shake, the tell-tale shiver working it's way out from my very bones. A terrible thought had occurred to me.

"What if it does happen again?" I asked, my voice shaking almost more than my hands. My friend opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "What if I hurt someone, next time? It sounds like I had no idea where I was—what if I'd thought you were still my enemy? Oh god, what--" Athrun's chair shoved back and suddenly he was leaning across the small table, green eyes boring holes in me.

"_Listen, _Kira." his voice and expression were intense, immovable, unforgiving. "You _didn't_ hurt me. You didn't hurt _anyone_, even though you were out of your mind with the memory. You wouldn't _do_ that Kira. You _couldn't_ do that, because you never attacked anyone that wasn't trying to kill you, and even some people who were!" I must have looked skeptical, because he leaned even closer. "_Believe it!" _

He was very close, oh god, close enough to kiss and call it an accident. He was also, some part of my mind registered, right. I felt the tension go out of my shoulders, and now my heart was racing for a totally different reason.

"I do believe you, Athrun." I managed to whisper, moving while I spoke to press my lips against his. I saw him blink, the close his eyes, then move his lips gently against mine. Before I could understand his reaction, he turned his head away and stood strait. His empty cup clinked against the table, and he glanced down at it.

"I'm glad you understand." the silence stretched almost uncomfortably until Athrun straightened up, business-like. "I'm going to make more tea. You want some?" I just blinked at him for a moment, then nodded. Something stronger would be nice, but tea would have to do.

AN: This has the potential to turn into a much longer fic. However, for that to happen, I would have to get a really enthusiastic reaction. From more than three people. REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4

Athrun's POV

I watched him stagger back to bed after drinking a cup of tea in silence. I knew that he wasn't really awake, and hadn't been for the whole conversation—Kira was more than capable of seeming totally awake and then snoring mid-sentence. I wondered, about his unexpected confession, and his quick kiss. Did even he know why he'd done that? He seemed to have no memory of that earlier conversation, or he'd have been much more awkward.

I stared at my empty china cup. There were so many possibilities... and I still had no real idea of what to do. I knew I loved him. That was never an issue. I'd loved him—I thought—as a brother, but now I wasn't so certain.

I knew I loved him, though the word seemed insufficient for the depth of the feeling. I remembered realizing, seeing him laugh and catching myself in the thought that his laughter made anything worthwhile; he had been bright-eyed and glowing, and I couldn't have suppressed an answering smile even if I wanted to.

Kira had shown me a new way to express that love, and I was not at all averse. My only worry was that things would change again between us. The war had caused some strange gaps, times when I could not fathom what was going on, behind those stunning eyes. Our bond was just as strong as ever, but it was a brittle kind of strength, now. I couldn't risk breaking it.

I didn't see that I could really do anything now. Morning would come, and I would continue as I always have, making things up as I go along. Perhaps he would still remember my half-confession, and tomorrow we would kiss and laugh that it took us so long to figure out. Perhaps he will never remember, but will find the courage to say those words I never truly did hear from him. That would be much the same, though slower in coming. Perhaps he will continue to look from afar, and do nothing. Should that happen, I think I would be the one to go to him. I can't let him wait too long.

"Kira..." I whisper his name to the now silent apartment, where the noise vanishes beneath even the faint hum of the refrigerator. The name is familiar, as familiar as my own. The person it belongs to is even more so. I smile slightly. I think I'm in love.

AN: This is most likely the end. I'm sorry, but this is where the original short story cut off, and my interest is dwindling fast. If I write much more on this, it will not be pretty. Uninspired writing is worse than none. Anyone wants to continue this, well, you have an imagination. Thank you for reading, and don't forget to review!


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